Oh, so you expect a title?

Yesterday was Bill’s funeral.  I cried. A lot.  I’m not surprised really, I totally expected that I’d cry more, so that went well, I thought.  Funny story actually.  The more I think about it, the more I think it was Bill pulling one of his practical jokes from beyond. 

There were hundreds of people there, Omaha cops, Council Bluffs cops, all the friends and family (Bill had 5 brothers and sisters), absolutely HUGE.  The funeral procession was huge too, you would think anybody you could figure that out.  You would also think that some people had never been in a funeral procession before.  Mel and I were in the line to leave the church and we get to the first stop sign and the truck in front of us stops to let some people cross the street.  While a sheriff is waving her to go on through, she stops, lets the people cross, waves at them… while Mel and I sit there and tap our fingers waiting to go on… By the time we get around the next corner to where the traffic light is there’s a funeral process escort car blocking the intersection so we can all get through, but the light was turning yellow, so the truck stops!  What the hell?  The escort car takes off, apparently thinking it’s the end of the procession.  Clearly not.  There were about 40 cars behind us.  We tried and tried to catch up to the procession, but just as we’d about get to it, we’d get a red light, and since we had no escort to block traffic we couldn’t take the light.  We got to one point where we lost sight of the procession entirely – and had no idea where to go.  The cemetery is actually a little rural cemetery out in the country and we had never heard of it before.  So I called 911.  Hey, that’s what they’re there for, right? Didn’t help though.  We finally found the procession and eventually did end up at the cemetery, and it retrospect I think Bill was probably laughing his butt off at all of us freaking out because we were lost!  Or maybe he waited until we got lost trying to find the other church assembly area where the luncheon was held…. Hmmmm. 

We got home, I started to work, and found I had no motivation.  I had to stop to keep crying.  (geez, I’m such a wuss).  Anyway, I stopped at 5 to watch the news because for some reason Channel 7 had been at the cemetery and I wanted to see what they had to say.  Here’s the video, just in case anyone else might want to see it.  🙂

Anyway, no motivation last night.   I did work for about 5 hours and then decided I was just to done in emotionally to get anymore done.  So I went to bed about 11:30. 

This morning though, oh yeah.  I woke up having an anxiety attack.  I hate when that happens.  The elders were coming over to do their wash so I let them in, they went downstairs and I went into my room to have a slight nervous breakdown.  By the time Steve came home for lunch and they were gone I was a total wreck.  What I wouldn’t give for some nice anti-anxiety medication.  I could just pop one or two, (or ten on a day like today) and be totally calm.  LIke there is such a miracle drug.  I ended up going back to bed and getting up about 1:15, after having some pretty wicked dreams.  So now my whole day is wonky and I feel just off kilter.  Great.  I wonder how long this is going to go on.  I really don’t know what else I can do.  I’m not even sure what’s going on at this point.  I mentioned in my post the other day that I had some ideas, but I’m not really sure.  I may really have to break down and see a therapist.  Oh, but I so do not want to do that. ..

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2 Comments

Filed under Life in General

2 responses to “Oh, so you expect a title?

  1. defogged

    This is my first time visiting your blog. I was moved by your post and the video. My heartfelt sympathies to you and those who knew and loved him. He sounds like a wonderful person who truly made a difference in his community. I am the wife of a police officer (10 yrs) and it is mostly a thankless and often stressful profession. However, the rewards definitely outweigh the negative by far.
    I will keep you in my prayers that you will find peace and comfort during this very difficult time.

  2. Thank you. And thanks for visiting.

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