Goodbye friend

Well, I knew it was coming, and I’m still sad.  My friend, Bill, died this past weekend.  On the 1-year anniversary of his dad’s death.  The “I believe in forever” part of me thinks his dad came to get him and end his suffering.  The normal pessimistic side of me says it sucks that 4 kids under the age of 17 lost their dad in such a horrible way.  Cancer is ugly and it does not allow you to die in dignity, that’s my humble opinion. 

Anyway, even though I haven’t worked with Bill in over a year, I will miss him.  I’ll always remember how proud he was of his kids and how he loved to show off their new pictures.  I’ll never forget when his oldest, a little boy, was born.  His feet didn’t touch the ground for weeks!  He was so proud.  His billfold bulged with new pictures constantly.  He was a great husband.  When he and his wife lost a baby he took time, a lot of time, off work to spend with her because she was having such a hard time emotionally.  Yes, I know, that’s what good husbands do, but still…  I remember playing an ancient Jeopardy game on the computer late in the evening towards the end of our shift.  He was smart!  I even have to laugh when I think of the way he used to shut the door when he’d get calls from informants, not really funny, and totally professional, but I still laugh to think how often Abbie and I would be talking about something and all of a sudden he’d comment from the other room.  He’d been so quiet we had forgotten he was there! I liked the fact that he liked country music too, and didn’t give us a lot of grief when we’d turn the radio up at night when everyone else was out on the street. 

I quit working for the city for several years and when I came back Bill was working downtown.  The first thing we talked about was his kids! He had to get out his billfold and show me all the new pictures!  He was a character and I’ll certainly miss him. 

All of that being said, for some reason I can’t quite put my finger on, I’m especially sad at his passing.  Maybe because he had the same type of cancer my grandfather died of when I was 6, which started this whole anxiety merry-go-round that I’ve been on for the past 44 years.  Maybe because he was just a couple months older than my husband and once again mortality is slapping me in the face.  Maybe it’s the fact that another police officer I knew passed away this weekend and that makes 4 people I know who have passed away just this year and I’m just depressed over that.  Maybe I just know Bill would have been a wonderful grandpa and I’m mad/sad that he’ll never have that chance.  I don’t know.  Maybe it’s because it’s spring and I always have anxiety and depression in the spring and fall, who the hell knows.  I just know I’ll miss my friend. 

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