Monthly Archives: November 2006

Thanks PinkTruth for my laugh of the day

For anyone who has ever done MK, you understand “warm chatter”… Talk to anybody for any reason to sell anything.  It’s kind of like Russian Roulette with a makeup bag.  I, for one, hated it, absolutely hated it, so my director kept telling me it was good for me to do it, to get out of my “comfort zone”, whatever the hell that means.  Kind of like telling a soldier to get out of the foxhole, if you ask me.  Anyway… Her Royal Hiney Cream posted this today at pinktruth.com and I laughed until I had tears running down my face.  I know if you haven’t been “warm chattered” yet in your life, and you’re still breathing, there’s a chance it could happen. Best be prepared!

I  just HAD to post this….I copied this from epinions.com I think it is a pretty good article by “Lobstergirl” about warm chattering, lol

Mary Kay: The Next Jonestown?
Mar 19 ‘01

The Bottom Line RUN ! RUN FOR YOUR LIVES !

The first thing you should know about Mary Kay is that it’s a cult. They don’t want to come right out and admit this, because cults got a bad name in the seventies, but Mary Kay is just as much a cult as Hale-Bopp, the Peoples Temple, the Church of Scientology, the Shriners, the McLaughlin Group, the Fingerhut Corporation, Pottery Barn, or Blue Cross/Blue Shield.

All the necessary cult elements are present: a messianic leader, a stable of devoted disciples, an evangelistic message, a wacky mode of transportation. Hale-Bopp had a spaceship. Mary Kay has a Pink Cadillac.

Mary Kay acolytes have put the moves on me several times in the past few months. The first time was at Starbucks, which, although certainly a cult itself, is the kind of place I assumed was a safe haven from petit bourgeois cosmetics hawkers. I assumed wrong. My first mistake was to linger a few seconds too long at the newspaper stand after I’d dairified my java. Lingering, to a Mary Kay consultant, is like blood in the water, and in an instant she was on me like a shark on a surfer.

“I couldn’t help noticing how professional and well put-together you are,” she gushed, her eyebrows perfect sideways apostrophes, her foundation thick but flawless. “Do you mind if I ask you what you do?”

My second mistake was not to pretend to be deaf. “I’m in the estate planning business,” I said. This was clearly going to be a sales pitch, but from whom?

“And how do you like that? Do you see yourself doing that for your whole career?” Her face inched closer and closer to mine. “Yeah, I like it pretty well,” mistake #3 spurted from my lips.

“Well I’m a chemical engineer, but I’m also a Mary Kay consultant, and I absolutely love it. It’s a great opportunity to network with other professional women. Can I give you my card?”

“Sure,” I said, my shoulders slumping, defeated. She asked my name. Mistake #4 was giving her my real first name and a fake last name — unfortunately, the first last name that popped into my head, the rather uncommon last name of a man who works down the hall from me. Mistake #5 was giving her the main phone number of the company I work for. Great. Now the receptionist was going to be getting calls and thinking…what, that they were for this man’s wife? That I was pretending to be married to him? That I was a big fat moron?

A month later, I was accosted in Mr. Pita, this time by an overweight middle-aged consultant. I dispatched her briskly and with aplomb.

A few weeks ago, in Walgreens shopping for lip gloss, I perceived a foreign object in my peripheral vision. Before I could whirl around, she had positioned her body between me and the door.

“I couldn’t help noticing how professional and well put-together you are,” she gushed, her eyebrows perfect sideways apostrophes, her foundation thick but flawless, all memory of me gone. “Do you mind if I ask you what you do?”

“I’m in the financial services business,” I said. “And how do you like that? Do you see yourself doing that for your whole career?” Her face inched closer and closer to mine.

“Oh, I LOVE IT,” I exclaimed. “I couldn’t imagine doing anything else!”

“Well I’m a chemical engineer, and I absolutely love it, but I’m also a Mary Kay consultant, and I love that too! It’s a great opportunity to network with other professional women. Can I ask you what your name is?”

“Lisa,” I lied.

“Oh, two Lisa’s!” she giggled, giving me her card. Imagine that……her real name was the same as my fake name! This time I gave her a fake last name and my real home phone, which always goes to voicemail anyway. She also asked for my email address. I told her I didn’t have one.

She hasn’t called. But if she does, I sure as hell want to know what kind of chemical engineering gig allows her to shill for Mary Kay eight hours a day.

To summarize, here are a few tips to keep Mary Kay at bay:

1. Look slovenly or have leprosy.
2. Look really great from the back and the side, but show your facial scars, big buck teeth, and nasty boogers in front. This way, you will be able to exult triumphantly as you watch their faces dissolve in horror.
3. Appear to be extremely busy or rushed.
4. Wear a coonskin cap.
5. Show your plumber’s crack.
6. Roll up your sleeves to reveal your needle tracks or open sores.
7. Employ a man to escort you in public.
8. If you can’t find a man, round up at least three other women. Mary Kay consultants will usually not approach a group unless desperate or very, very hungry.
9. If a consultant succeeds in cornering you, try not to look like a deer in the headlights. Look like a possum instead.
10. Use intestinal gas to your advantage.
11. Tell the consultant that you LOVE what you do and wouldn’t dream of changing careers, except to take up swine farming.
12. Carry some extra business cards — someone else’s business cards.
13. Give out Marriott’s 1-800 number as your home phone number.
14. Explain to the consultant that you’d really like to stay and chat, but you have a nervous condition that makes you defecate in front of strangers.
15. If all else fails, have a grand mal seizure.

HAHA!  Thanks HRHC…

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Liar, liar

We were supposed to have snow yesterday.  No snow.  But our wind chill as of right now (6:37 a.m.) is -4.  I’m glad all I have to do right now is go to bed.  I’m kind of bummed about the snow though…

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the old age bus hit me this week

I knew it for sure when I received 3 different mails soliciting disability, long-term insurance, and a prepaid funeral plan.  Thanks.

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Meme of the Day (Thanks CBG)

[A is for age:]  Apparently I’m older than I thought.  More on that in a later blog.               [B is for booze of choice:] None thank you
[C is for career:] Medical word guru.
[D is for your dog’s name:] Wiener wonderland, four of them!
[E is for essential item you use everyday:] Eyeglasses
[F is for favorite song at the moment:] “Live Like You Were Dyin'” by Tim McGraw
[G is for favorite games:] Scrabble
[H is for Hometown:] Omaha, Omaha, finest place you ever saw… (lol)
[I is for instruments you play:] Nada.  Used to play the piano and violin and a very short, abrupt flute experience.
[J is for jeans:]  In my dreams I find a pair that fit.
[K is for kids?:] Two, one of each. 
[L is for last hug?:] from my puppy
[M is for marriage:] Almost 20 years and counting…
[N is for name of your crush:] Hm, only a TV crush, with TR Knight. 
[O is for overnight hospital stays:] More than one is too many…
[P is for phobias:] I hate to be alone.  And needles.  I’m scared to death of needles.
[Q is for quote:] “What the….?”
[R is for biggest regret:]  Being stupid in my youth.  But I think that goes with youth.
[S is for status]  Married? Mom? Employed?  What kind of status?  I certainly don’t think I’m better than anyone else. 
[T is for time you wake up:] 2 p.m. or so. 
[U is for underwear:] Yes.
[V is for vegetable you love:] Corn and tomatoes.  Nothing orange, blech.
[W is for worst habit:] Never knowing when to shut up.  At least I’m honest about it.
[X is for x-rays you’ve had:] chest, ankle, leg, ankle, pelvis, ankle, chest, ankle, head… Did I mention my ankle?
[Y is for yummy food you make:] Hungarian goulash.
[Z is for zodiac sign:] The bull (In a china shop)

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Grrrrrr…

Anybody who knows me knows I usually don’t just sit back and relax when I’m annoyed with someone – and I’m really annoyed with my sister-in-law and my mother-in-law at the moment.  Thanksgiving was good, I’m glad it turned out the way it did, but my SIL and I share swapping Thanksgiving and Christmas every year and this was our Thanksgiving year.  Everything was fine and dandy until her kids had to work on Thanksgiving Day and suddenly we had to have dinner at 1 o’clock.  We don’t usually eat until about 4 or so and I didn’t want to eat early.  Whoever hosts the occasionally has always chosen the dinner time, so I didn’t see any reason to change it.  I can’t tell you how many times my kids had to eat leftoevers from holiday dinners because they were working or Matt was at his dad’s or whatever.  I figured the girls could have leftovers when they got here after work.  Apparently that wasn’t good enough.  They called on Sunday to say they were having dinner at 1 and did we want to eat with them?  Quite frankly, no.  I didn’t want to eat at 1 o’clock.  Get it?  So when I mentioned it to mom, she just said they were going to Sue’s for dinner.  So of course Mike and Amy went to Sue’s (well, Mike is her son and all…)  But, the more I thought about it, the madder I got.  What’s the deal?  Her kids can’t eat leftovers?  They have to have dinner with their kids?  Fine, I’ve felt that way about my kids more than once, but for the sake of family peace I give in.  So mom and Bob came over for dessert about 6 o’clock that night and I must admit I was a little bit ticked off, but not bad.  But the more I thought about it, the madder I got.  The dinners are usually pot luck, dad brought the salad this time, but I made all the rest, so it kind of stuck me with a whole dinner when I hadn’t been planning on that, but the kid thing really sticks in my craw, more than a little bit. 

When we bought our first house, we borrowed money from mom – and paid her back with interest before the first year was up.  When we just got our wood floor in the living room mom cashed in the bonds she’s had for Steve for more than 30 years, and he’s paying her back because he felt that was her money, she paid for the bonds.  That’s just the way he is, I have to give him credit, he’s no freeloader that’s for sure.  Which is something that can’t be said for his sister.  Yet, when it comes to family things, her family is always the #1 priority.  Always.  And I’m quite sick of the whole damn thing. 

Which leads me to today.  Steve calls from work and tells me she’s invited us over for dinner.  Hmmmm.  Did he tell her no?  Of course not, he told her that would be nice.  Well, I’m still pissed.  I think I’ll be pissed until at least Christmas so we don’t have to go over to his sister’s smelly, smoke infested house that’s so crowded with crap that you can’t turn around.  Maybe we should start spending holidays with our OWN families.  Then no one has to eat leftovers.  (hahaha)   So we went over for dinner.  I’m cordial, but not friendly.  I really want to tell her how I feel.  My feelings are hurt, Steve’s feelings are hurt (and they are, we talked about it the other night), and I’m just upset that we were rather unceremoniously dumped for Thanksgiving.  I know Steve would say I shouldn’t, and maybe he’s right, but until I tell her how I really feel, I think this is going to just hang between us and we’ve always had a good relationship – up until now.  Oh hell. 

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Happy Birthday Twinnies

The real twinnies – not Butera and Jadlowski (inside joke).

 Adam and Sarah are 12!  We went over to Mel and Dan’s for ice cream cake – yum.  It was wonderful, so great that the filling hurt my teeth, bring on the chocolate sistah!  I can hardly believe that it was 12 years ago I made stuffed shells and Mel didn’t get to eat any.  Twelve years since I had to call John at the barber shop and tell him to come home because her water broke.  Twelve years since Mel cried in the morning because her water was never going to break, she was miserably huge and the doctor said she wasn’t going to have those babies until her water broke – and gave birth less than 24 hours later!  What happened Mel?  Where did those little squirts go?  Sarrah’s feet are bigger than mine – and I have used to have the biggest ones in the family (the female side at least).  Adam is a little pistol, full of the devil that one.  I think Mel has her hands full with him.  He’s definitely another Matt!  LOL! 

I would have taken pictures of them, but Meg STILL has the camera – hint, hint, hint…

I wasn’t sure Meg knew where my blog was, I’m glad I didn’t mention what I got her from Amazon on here, since she apparently reads it ;0  And hey, bitch sister – I love you!

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Black Friday

I don’t get this whole frenzied shopping thing today.  About 35 years ago (yikes) I used to work at First Data – you know, the company that processes credit card sales.  It used to be clerks had to call in to get an actual authorization code, it wasn’t done electronically.  (Woo hoo, I’m feeling older by the second.)  Anyway, NOBODY got the Friday after Thanksgiving off.  Nobody, no how.  It was awful.  You couldn’t even call in dead.  Plus the phone lines were backed up all day long, until well after midnight our time thanks to those shoppers on the West Coast.  Every 15 minutes or so they’d announce how many called we were backlogged.  “Let’s move people – there are 8723 callers on hold this very minute!”  Talk about the pressure!  Heaven help you if you had to go to the bathroom or eat! 

Today, I don’t have to worry about that stuff (thank goodness) but I’m still working because I work for a hospital and hey, people still get sick, you know.  Not quite so much pressure though.  😉   As for the shopping, ugh.  You won’t catch me within a mile of a shopping center or store today (except for about 5 o’clock when I have to go purchase a couple iTune cards for my neice and nephew whose birthday parties are tonight.  And you’ll only catch me then because I was too STUPID to get that done earlier.  I’m wondering if I can buy them online…. I’ll have to check that out.  Put it on account or something.  I HATE crowds and I can guarantee that standing in line for a half hour or more will bring on a panic attack of gigantic proportions and I’m not goin’ there today!

I read today somewhere that there was a rush at a Wal-Mart down south when they opened at midnight and 3 people were injured.  This is for Christmas?  You’re willing to injure someone to get the 49.99 video player for your son?  All this in the name of peace on earth good will toward men?  You can have it.

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